I'm a Jerk (If You Know Me, You Probably Have Called Me That Recently)
I'm an asshole too. Or at least I have been. I know I'm not a jerk or an asshole usually. I haven't been one most of my life but lately, yes.
I have been selfish and self-centered. I'm not saying I will stop focussing on me - I mean after all, I don't have a full-time job (update below about the part-time job not in journalism), my heart is broken, my car is in the shop, my calf is strained and I can't run, I'm broke and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life or my heart and how to make either work right again. But what I AM saying is that I'm conscious of my jerk behavior and I'm trying to be more cognizant of others and the fact that other people also have "stuff" going on and a lot of that stuff is as important to them as my stuff is to me. I need to get out of my own head and listen to others, be there for others, while knowing that I retain the right to crawl under my covers and cry and sleep all day if need be.
Examples of my bad behavior, include dinner with Karen and Brad that I made ALL about me. I got home and the evening replayed in my head - me: me me me me me me me. Them: sweetly, happily listening and trying to participate in the conversation but I interrupted, turned the conversation and was so negative - though at the time, I thought we were having a great time. As I said, I replayed the evening in my head and thought - you jerk! Karen and Brad are too kind and forgave me.
This morning, I was rude and impatient with my neighbor and friend as I turned a pipe burst in the complex into a tragic event starring me as I was hurriedly trying to get to my parents' house to shower and get to work. It shouldn't have been that frantic - and everyone else in the complex also was dealing with the lack of water. Asshole.
The rest of the world also has "stuff." My friends have stuff going on they might want to talk about. My family has stuff going on too. "It's not all about you Kyle," I will continue to tell myself. Of course, I have to live with me, so we'll see if I can shake the jerk out of my system as I deal with my own stuff and stop puking it on everyone else.
Writing has been a struggle lately. I have wanted to write only joyous, happy, good things and tell you I've made a breakthrough. (Keep reading please, there will be happy stuff). I'll be honest, I still have tears everyday, even now two months and six days since B said he was leaving. Some days just a few tears, some moments just frog eyes and other times there is sobbing. I miss him and I haven't given up even. Yep, I just said that knowing I will hear it from my friends. I said that even though Stephen said to me the other night on the phone "Get over it, Kyle. It's not going to happen." I'm not convinced.
Others say, "You deserve better. He left you." True. I deserve a grand gesture of a return or someone who won't leave me - that was hard to write, I'm not in a place where I can even think about the possibility of someone else. Trisha stopped by this week for wine and guacamole and said that's ok - I can still be sad, still miss him, no matter what anyone else says. Thanks Trisha.
Happy, happy - I promised you happy!
In an effort to show you and me I'm not all negative, here you go:
I got a job - with help from friends who are watching out for my mental well being as well as just me in general. I'm working part time in security at a gated community near the island. I wear a badge and I get to smile and be smiled at (mostly) by people coming and going from there everyday from 10 to 2. I am very grateful. The work isn't anything I have ever done - so yay for new experiences, for having to get out of bed everyday, for being able to pay some of my bills. (I paid off all my debt except my mortgage when I was laid off in June but then Irma took a big chunk of the money I saved when I had to buy a new air conditioner. Then heart-break tour took more). I want to find a job in journalism, writing again and soon, but I haven't found it yet and I can't live on dreams, so part-time job (it's going to need to be jobs) for now.