Am I a Heading Toward Emptiness?
Is emptiness what's next? No sad. No joy. Just empty. Is that what I need next before I fill up with whatever life has in store after that? I was wondering this at yoga on the beach this morning. And again later when my sister Michelle showed me a daily devotional she said reminded her of me that fit along the same thought.
Being sad is getting old. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of a lot of things (not having a job, not losing the love handles) but being sad I hate most. I can't help it - I don't wake up and think I want to think about being sad or choose it. I just am sad every morning. Not - woe-is-me sad. I-miss-him sad. I have-no-idea-how-I'm going-to-get-through-this sad. I'm having a little staycation weekend 2 miles away at my parents' house with my sister and her husband Jeff visiting from Kentucky. It's nice to have the calming voice of my older sister here to tell me it's ok to be sad, that she prays for me daily and that I can cry if I want to. And that she loves me. And that she believes it's going to be ok even if I don't.
**I miss B. I'm also mad at him for doing this to us for no good GD reason.
**I'm worried about my future as a person - what will I be? Where? How? I'm a journalist, a writer, an editor - I want to continue in that realm but how? I'm struggling to get anywhere. Not one of the eight of us who was laid off in June has found a job. I have to start paying my mortgage again next month after hurricane deferral - my answering phones job isn't going to pay that. And while my colleagues are lovely people, I also don't want to answer phones for the rest of my life. It's not my calling.
I worked very hard to become a journalist - that has been my calling since childhood. To get to college, get through college and work my way up to a position at an international news organization, and now what?! I mean anyone who knows me knows I did enjoy the job I did and mostly the place where I did it for 16 years - but it wasn't perfect and it wasn't my super dream job. I did always think perhaps there was something else - I just didn't get to choose to leave to do it. WHAT is my dream job? I don't know anymore. It used to be to work overseas and tell the stories of the people in wars and oppression. Mid-career, I'm not sure that is still possible or is that what I want? I can't see anything through the sad. I can't seem to get through the shock of it all.
I worked hard to move to where my parents are and where my family visits and to buy a home. Am I going to lose my home? Am I going to have to give it up and move to find a job? I would have moved part-time for the right person and the right reason. I did that my entire career - I'm where I want to be - at least most of the time. I would travel. I'm not completely rigid about it. Am I going to ever be a paid journalist again?
Does my life have ANY meaning? Oscar yells at me when I ask such things - he says it is insulting to the people who love an care about me. I don't mean for it too - I just need to find my purpose. I love you all!
**I'm worried and sad about my very sick friend. She called last week to tell me she has colon cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She's 49! She will have a liver biopsy next week and then start some aggressive chemo. Please say a prayer for her or send her a loving thought.
**I'm scared I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I want B and me. I have never wanted to be alone - as in no life-partner alone. Some people are content alone, happy as pie with where they are in the world, the control they have over their lives, perhaps the fuzzies they love and care for and who love and care for them. I'm not that person - or I'm not yet? I'm not pursuing such contentment - should I be? Is that my life lesson?
As the wonderful Megan led us through vinyasa flow and three-legged dog and pigeon and peaceful warrior this morning, I was searching for a message. Trying to clear my mind and not think about the sad I feel everyday, not think about B. I was focused on my mom and sister, my sick friend, sending thoughts and prayers and love into the universe - determined not to make the practice just about me, not to be selfish - though I don't think self love and appreciation and work on one's body and mind and soul is selfish. I was trying not to be "woe is me." I wasn't focused though - it was as if I sent thoughts and prayers and love out and then was going through the motions of yoga practice.
A flock of birds disrupted us - white with large black beaks beautifully and noisily swaying together over the gulf waves. I had to focus on breathing again and that's when this idea of becoming empty in order to move on evolved. I noticed I was empty and not thinking of anything - not even really thinking of the poses.
Breath of Joy, balance, forward fold, side plank, upward dog, shoulder stand, bridge.
Then the most difficult of poses - Sahvasana. Be still my brain, let go, let the earth come up to meet the relaxed muscles. My mind swirled with color as the sun and breeze washed over. Megan had read several times during this practice from Luise Hay's Mirror Work. This time, this last passage brought tears. She told us to imagine all the love we wanted and all the love we had to give and the life we want and to share it, let it blow along the beach and then return to us. I did just that as the tears flowed, running down the sides of my cheeks to my chin and into the sand beneath me.