Note: The stepfather I write about is not my dad, not the person you know. My dad and mom (stepmom who always loved and cared for me and adopted me), are amazing and don't know, didn't know.
I suppose I should write something - it's been what 20 days. I was hoping to continue Oscar's challenge from Thanksgiving and only write about adventures and foods and the weather and things that bring me (and you) joy. I have been waiting for some joy. Joy is all around me - I'm just having trouble filling my soul with it. My soul is sad. My heart is broken. I am broken.
Bev came to visit - and I so needed that - some Bev time. We had a lot of fun and there were many tears. Tears that some friends (and likely family members) believe I shouldn't be shedding anymore. But Bev understood when the tears just came - especially yesterday on the two-year anniversary of my first date with B. Everyone grieves and heals and gets through difficulties differently. Everyone is affected differently by traumatic events (and multiple ones in my case this year). Bev and lots of other friends are upset with B for hurting me (I mean so am I).
Friends ask me if I'm pissed at B and doesn't that help. It doesn't. Some say I put B on a pedestal and consider him perfect. Not true. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. That doesn't make me love him less. Maybe I put the relationship on a pedestal? But doesn't that mean you appreciate it and care for it? I don't know.
I awoke this morning and went for a run mulling this realization: I feel abandoned. Abandoned by someone I love and trust and who I thought would always be part of my life.
I have felt this once before. When my biological mother left me when I was 14. I came home from school to find her packing, wearing one of my sweaters and about to walk out the door and out of my life forever. How's that for introspection.
I'm not comparing the people (the mother vs the boyfriend totally different). I'm not comparing the circumstances: the mother left me with a note for my stepfather - a man who molested me; the mother left me with a man who molested me. (To be clear, this is not my family in Kentucky. This is not the family you all know. The family I talk about.)
I'm comparing the feeling of abandonment.
I understood today that the biggest pain of this heartache is that I feel abandoned. Boyfriends and a husband have left my life. Friends have left (I'm still not over Jess and Chris leaving). But this - B leaving me. I truly feel abandoned. I love him. I counted on him. He was there for me. I was there for him. I felt connected with him. I felt "this is my person." I thought "we can get through anything together."