I love airport welcomes. No matter what country, what airport, people are welcomed with love and affection. Hugs, laughs, high fives, kisses.

“You are like a country song. When country songs were sad”

——Tim

I have had some of those happy place moments lately. I think that's progress. 

I think it took my most recent breakdown and the confidence to NOT continue the job that wasn’t for me to truly appreciate where I am, how far I have actually come and what it's going to take to move forward. It was a start. Now, I’m looking for the big confidence, on the road toward it, trying to build it back and trying to find my place in the world.

"Flick your light back on."

Thanks Courtney. 

Hey it's something on the home improvement front, finally. Much more to write - about Valentine's Day, talks with parents, flowers from B, my heart gift wrapped and mailed in a box to Rochester, mortgages and condo special assessments after Irma, But we'll start with this today. It's happier and less complicated.

Sunrise or sunset, thank you universe. Thank you friends and family.

A flock of birds disrupted us - white with large black beaks beautifully and noisily swaying together over the gulf waves. I had to focus on breathing again and that's when this idea of becoming empty in order to move on evolved. I noticed I was empty and not thinking of anything - not even really thinking of the poses.
 

So I was thinking about things people do when they are very young and in love or broken hearted and I thought - mixed tape! Mixed CD, mixed jump drive, email, Youtube whatever. Now, I could send something to Brendan but I thought I would send one to myself.

I didn't judge myself for muscles I used to have, but am proud of how far I have come since losing all my muscles to illness over the past couple of years. I am seriously amazed at the fact I have lost all my strength, all my muscles. I had been running and playing hockey consistently for 20 years until the illnesses really took over about two years ago.

It is in our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light

-Aristotle

I awoke this morning and went for a run mulling this realization: I feel abandoned. Abandoned by someone I love and trust and who I thought would always be part of my life.

I have felt this once before. When my biological mother left me when I was 14.

Oscar challenged me this week to avoid writing about heartache or myself or sadness while I’m in Kentucky for Thanksgiving with family. Write about my travels, my family and the foods we eat and our adventures, he said, and no frog eyes. Those are the eyes that are welled up with tears. Ok, Oscar, I will try.

Kim sent me one of Nicky's ponies. How can I not look up when Nicky is helping me out - I must - he always did. Until the end, Nicky looked up. Nicky smiled and always wanted to see others smiling too. 

With all that's going on in the world, I wonder how anyone can give up on a love both feel, not giving it a chance in the change. Isn't that what we're all looking for - to love and be loved? The rest can be worked out.
Instead, I love you but ...