Maybe It Was the Moon or Maybe It Was the Sobbing Meltdown

I think it took my most recent breakdown and the confidence to NOT continue the job that wasn’t for me to truly appreciate where I am, how far I have actually come and what it's going to take to move forward. It was a start. Now, I’m looking for the big confidence, on the road toward it, trying to build it back and trying to find my place in the world.

A Home Improvement Update - Finally

Hey it's something on the home improvement front, finally. Much more to write - about Valentine's Day, talks with parents, flowers from B, my heart gift wrapped and mailed in a box to Rochester, mortgages and condo special assessments after Irma, But we'll start with this today. It's happier and less complicated.

Am I a Heading Toward Emptiness?

A flock of birds disrupted us - white with large black beaks beautifully and noisily swaying together over the gulf waves. I had to focus on breathing again and that's when this idea of becoming empty in order to move on evolved. I noticed I was empty and not thinking of anything - not even really thinking of the poses.

Better - Physically

I didn't judge myself for muscles I used to have, but am proud of how far I have come since losing all my muscles to illness over the past couple of years. I am seriously amazed at the fact I have lost all my strength, all my muscles. I had been running and playing hockey consistently for 20 years until the illnesses really took over about two years ago.


I looked around and all I saw were families and couples showing each other love. Michelle hugged me. Niece Amanda, and momma to Max and Luke, squeezed me tight. My nephew Josh handed me his son as  tears streamed down my face. 


I awoke this morning and went for a run mulling this realization: I feel abandoned. Abandoned by someone I love and trust and who I thought would always be part of my life.

I have felt this once before. When my biological mother left me when I was 14.

Hometown, Family Visit and Oscar's Challenge

Oscar challenged me this week to avoid writing about heartache or myself or sadness while I’m in Kentucky for Thanksgiving with family. Write about my travels, my family and the foods we eat and our adventures, he said, and no frog eyes. Those are the eyes that are welled up with tears. Ok, Oscar, I will try.

Healthy, if Still Heartbroken

Kim sent me one of Nicky's ponies. How can I not look up when Nicky is helping me out - I must - he always did. Until the end, Nicky looked up. Nicky smiled and always wanted to see others smiling too. 

I Love You But

With all that's going on in the world, I wonder how anyone can give up on a love both feel, not giving it a chance in the change. Isn't that what we're all looking for - to love and be loved? The rest can be worked out.
Instead, I love you but ... 

Heart-Break Vacation Continues

I’m still incredibly sad - not that I thought one trip and a few days would un-break my heart or that in that time B would figure out his life or at least that he wants me in it to help us figure out our lives together. Such resolution doesn’t happen that quickly in fairytales.