Healthy, if Still Heartbroken
When did I start the elimination diet? Mid-June right? And all the supplements and nutrient shake from Dr. Trudy in May? I feel tremendous as far as the intestines, swelling and general health. I have lost 20 pounds. I have energy. If it hadn't been for Hurricane Irma and B ripping my heart out Oct. 15, I would have exulted about it many times by now.
I want to write about this but I'm struggling, not because there isn't a lot to say - there is much to say. There is much to say that might help people - and I will, I promise, share the latest foods I have tried, the running. Next time. Maybe even later today or tonight. I sat down to say them now, but, it's just that one month ago today, B told me he was leaving Florida and me.
I wake up every morning and miss him and ask why. I ask why during the day. I cry everyday - not all day everyday now but the tears still come once or twice a day, sometimes more. B and I talk and text - sometimes as if he's just up the road and I'll be seeing him later - until we both realize that's not happening. I still want to understand why. He doesn't tell me why he remains steadfast in this decision. He doesn't tell me why he chose to make decisions for both of us. He just says he knows that is what he did, and that he misses me too. Why. Why. Why.
And yes, you are probably asking yourself why I'm even talking to him. Well, I'm not mad at him. I want to be - I do. That might be easier but there's nothing to hate, except that he broke my heart. He didn't cheat or lie, was always respectful (except for this abrupt, selfish departure) but he still was sweet and kind and helpful to me and mindful of my tears and my feelings up until the last seconds.
If we are friends on social media, you may be questioning me here. "But you looked happy in a picture two nights ago with your friend. But you went to Key West and smiled. You went to Wisconsin and New Jersey and we saw smiles." Isn't social media the true story of our lives? Haha - not even close. It's just what we want to share - and I mostly want to share happy pictures, things I hope make others smile. As for the trips - I AM seeking out ways to get over this, friends to comfort or distract, attempts to find true joy again. What you don't see is that in Wisconsin, I spent hours in tears each day and then had a few hours each night with Jess and Chris and their kids - and those moments were good. In New Jersey, those moments were good. In Key West, there were some rough times and some very good ones. The heartbreak and the tears are always just below the surface even in the very good moments.
Friend Duane wrote to me the other day: Don't worry about B. If he really wanted to be with you and you were a No. 1 priority in his life, he'd still be there with you. ... He's not worth it if you are not worth it to him. ... I know how the species is.
I told Duane I will try to remind myself of that daily because I need to remember this. But it's hard. It's easy to say those things - much more difficult to believe them and live them.
Oscar says he wants his Happy Kyle back. So do I, Oscar, so do I.
Kim sent me one of Nicky's ponies. How can I not look up when Nicky is helping me out - I must - he always did. Until the end, Nicky looked up. Nicky smiled and always wanted to see others smiling too. Kim told me she carries one of Nicky's ponies in her purse. I will carry mine and remind myself.
*Eliminated foods tried successfully: bell pepper, green beans
*Foods that failed: Sheep's milk cheese
*Foods under test now: gluten (I had yummy fresh bread at dinner on Monday night)