Will I Let Myself?At yoga last night, we were told "lead with your heart" as we moved. I thought what great advice in life too. I will try, I promised myself and besties Kate and Jess as we stood on the sand together, hands at heart center, watching the dolphins playing in the incredible sunset.
I came home and realized I have to make up with optimism before I can truly lead with my heart.
Optimism and I have been best friends my entire life but we've had a falling out over love. I don't know that I'll find love again. I don't know if THE one to complete me and I him exists. I always thought so but now I'm not sure and I feel broken.
Not that my last love was perfect - it certainly was not - and I don't want it back. It was toxic - not always - but most of it probably. I lost myself in the world and to friends. I found many things about myself that are new and interesting and worthwhile and I'm glad I did. But I needed the rest of me too.
There were many parts of that relationship, especially in the beginning and often throughout that I want again, and I wonder will I find them and if I do, will I allow my heart to open?
Will I find someone I feel like I fit with like a puzzle piece - oddly shaped but attached at every point?
Will I find someone who will hold my hand when we sleep, snuggle me up as the big spoon and me as the little spoon?
Will I find someone I want to tell everything to and can't wait to hear everything he is going to tell me?
Will I find someone who is a true partner - someone to plan with and dream with and then make it all happen? Someone who is a doer and can be a doer with me. A doer of fun things, serious things, even the boring daily things. I don't need to be attached at the hip - but sometimes that can be fun. I don't want to lose myself or buy matching sweaters - but I want someone who we want to do things with, want to introduce to friends and family.
Will I find the guy who will be honest and faithful, fun, spontaneous, loving, generous of his heart and time? The guy who will make time for me and I for him? The guy who can be my best friend?
Or am I best friended out? Have I given my heart enough and now I'm finished? If I do find that man, will I let him in so we can be all these things to each other?
I just don't know.
I'm not really looking right now - though I guess maybe we always are. I feel like it's too soon for me, despite that he has so quickly moved on. Well actually he did that long before he moved out, long before he told me he was going, long before I decided he needed to go.
Trusting, loving, opening up - heavy stuff - though when it's happening, it feels light and easy and wonderful. I hope I can get there again.
I'm going to lead with my heart, try to have it open if - when? - that person shows up.