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Welcome to my blog. I write about everything here - successes, failures and stumbles in healing my heart, my home, my health and a sailboat.

Heart-Break Vacation Continues

Heart-Break Vacation Continues

Day 9 since B broke up and day 6 since he left Florida for good and I left town to runaway to friends. 

I’m still sick to my stomach everyday. Only one day have I not cried at least once.

I had a wonderful visit in Wisconsin with Jess and Chris, Finley, Max, Boobs the bunny, puppy Hazel, grown up fluffy dog Annie and Dougie the goldfish. I felt all the love.

I’m still incredibly sad - not that I thought one trip and a few days would un-break my heart or that in that time B would figure out his life or at least that he wants me in it to help us figure out our lives together. Such resolution doesn’t happen that quickly in fairytales. 

I imagined adventures with B - from traveling to places each has been to share wonderfulness with the other to discovering new places to the adventure of life together whatever it has already brought and would bring - pneumonia, losses, babies, house projects, hurricanes, joys, sadnesses, moving, building new careers, building businesses, building a home, even the immediate and long-awaited adventure of testing out my 34 eliminated foods - all of it. I thought we could have it all and be very happy. We had been through a lot together successfully already - and we handled those challenges well - better than most couples I would say.

B has been to a lot of places. I have been to a lot of places. What fun to share those places, share newly discovered places, events, adventures. B often seemed reluctant for a trip or an event with me until the last second but when we would head out he always enjoyed it and our time together or at least we were together stuck in some craziness: beach days; boat days; late-night tender driving around our inebriated friend who insisted on one more stop on the water; Key West (had been looking forward to another weekend there together this year a I gave him tickets on the high-speedy ferry for Christmas last year); Sanibel day trip; Tampa to see my brother and his family when he had back surgery; side trip to Sarasota; extra side trip to find a boat; extra extra side trip to creepy private city; Rochester Christmas; Kentucky. 

I don’t know if B’s reluctancy was to do with me (was he saving new experiences for someone in the future?) or if it was his anxiety about committing to this life on Marco. I’m sure he thinks about these things too.

B and I have spoken several times in the past week. The conversations have been good, normal even mostly because we are good together and because there's nothing wrong with us that caused this. The calls have some crying, sometimes during the entire call, sometimes just at the end. This isn't just his every other month 2-week trip. It's a breakup. 

I still don’t understand. I miss him. I miss us. I’m sure it’s going to feel even worse when I get back home to Florida. I was at B’s family home up North once, never at his siblings’ homes in Phily and never at the other family vacation home in North Carolina — so while I have met the entire family and spent some time with all of them, B doesn’t have to contend with all the memories since there are very few of me in the places he’ll go.

I’ll deal with all the memories in Marco when I get back.

For now, I’m on to the next stop on my broken heart trip - New Jersey. Central Jersey specifically - with Princeton and the Delaware River and Washington’s crossing point. This area is covered in beautiful rolling hills and farms and one of my favorite towns - Lambertville. I lived and worked in Central Jersey and New York City for almost 14 years - the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult. I will visit some of my favorite people - hockey mates, former roommates, long-time amazing friends I miss terribly. I’ll fill my broken heart with all the love I feel from them across the miles.

I won’t be visiting my office since, as you may recall, I was coldly laid me off on June 22.

Foods tried: red bell pepper, green beans.



I Love You But

I Love You But

Shattered Hearts

Shattered Hearts